I like to call it the silo affect. Its frustration, bitterness, and resentment. All those things put together end up creating silos that you and your husband live in, make money in, raise kids in, and that’s about it. If you are tired of feeling like your husband is just another person to take care of, you are going to want to tune in so that you can turn your soggy marriage around and turn it into a lean mean team tackling machine.
Listen below for the entire episode on The Systemize Your Life Podcast
Many of you will stumble on this blog and say, “What is this?” Well, something that’s been on my heart for a very long time. Even when I was a very, very young girl. Growing up I remember watching my parents and I realized they never argued in front of us, like EVER. They did get frustrated with one another but never argued in front of us. I saw my parents not as friends, although they were friendly with one another, but more like two people raising kids and having jobs.
In turn, I became really passionate early on about marriage because my dream was to not just raise kids and have jobs with my husband. I dreamt to grow up and be in love. For a lot of girls, and even some men, when you grow up you realize after you get married that your dream is not the reality you thought it was. It truly is not the case at all. It’s just so much work. And for a lot of us we go into survival mode and our marriages get neglected.
Well, lucky for – or not for my husband, I am like borderline obsessed with the health of our marriage. It’s super important to me. As a result of this borderline obsession, I often tap into one of my greatest strengths which is also connected to my greatest weaknesses. One of my strengths is that I’m a relator. I relate to my children, my health, my home, my business, my husband. Every relationship is super important to me and I’m probably overly sensitive to them.
FREE time-management workshop-tackle the silo affect
Again, I realize that our greatest strengths are also connected to our greatest weaknesses, which means they need to be kept under control. Start looking into that on your own and be sure that your strengths will not become weaknesses for you and affect the relationships in your life.
It is so important to me that my husband didn’t just become somebody else to take care of. I see that and I hear that from women so much. They are frustrated, bitter, and have resentment towards their husbands. This is the silo affect that I described. I talk about it in my free workshop. If you want to check it out click here to open the workshop and begin watching it, again, for FREE. It gives you a really deep, deep dive into the 3 biggest mistakes that most stay at home and work from home moms are making. The workshop also goes deep inside The Systemize Your Life Academy so that you can really get a good global understanding of what I teach and what it is all about. It really is seriously worth your time.
I talk a lot in the Academy about how the silo affect is NOT what marriage is designed for. Maybe you and your husband are working well together in certain areas. Maybe you are not working together in any area at all. Either way, I understand. I created a system for myself in order to stop feeling those feelings of frustration, bitterness, and resentment towards my husband because that’s all that I could control. All that I can control is myself so this is a system that helps me while making an impact in my marriage and the way I relate to my husband.
This is a really important takeaway.
NEVER SHIFT THE BLAME. ALWAYS LOOK BACK TO YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU COULD BE DOING IN ORDER TO CHANGE A SPECIFIC OUTCOME IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
I know this can be really hard to do, especially when you believe you have reminded your husband a thousand times of all the things. This is when the marriage begins to feel soggy to you. It feels dense, it feels thick, it feels heavy.
I get it! I have been there. Then I turn back to the system I am about to share with you. This is the system I use, with my own power, to change the atmosphere in my home according to the ability I have as a wife and mom. I believe we as women have 90% of the ability to set and change the environment in the home with few exceptions.
Really start looking at your ability to set the tone in your home. Stop looking at your husband and really begin looking at what you can be doing differently. When you do this, you can become a team with your husband and operate out of your best.
The system I created is 4 questions. Write these down in a place where you frequent in order to have the reminder around you when needed. You can state these as a statement or question to ask yourself when you and your husband are in a situation where your marriage is headed towards a soggy moment. I will list them as both a question and a statement below.
“This is the system I use, with my own power, to change the atmosphere in my home according to the ability I have as a wife and mom. I believe we as women have 90% of the ability to set and change the environment in the home with few exceptions.”
THE 4 QUESTION SYSTEM I USE TO TRANSFORM MY MARRIAGE
Question 1: Are you focusing on his strengths? | Focus on his strengths
An exercise that comes with this is write down a list of all your husband’s strengths by taking a specific area of your marriage or the entire marriage and just list all of his strengths. In order to focus on his strengths you must know what they are.
If you don’t know what his strengths are, let me recommend a resource that my husband and I use called xomarriage.com which is where we learned of the book titled Strengths Based Marriage while attending a conference. The book forces you to focus on your spouse’s strengths to build up your marriage based on the uniqueness of each other. Focus on the strengths of one another instead of each other’s weaknesses. While going through this book you learn why you and your spouse are so different and how to take your focus from your spouse’s weaknesses and revert to their strengths.
Question 2: Have you asked your husband for his opinion? | Ask him his opinion
You should not be assuming that your husband may or may not know a particular thing when you haven’t asked him or he hasn’t said anything about it to you. What you should do instead is ask your husband his opinion. By doing this you show him respect and honor which is the number 1 and number 2 things men need in a relationship. Ask your husband his opinion about your finances, parenting, the home, your future, etc. Don’t just tell him what to do. Ask him his opinion and ask him what he may be willing or not willing to do.
Question 3: Did you let him decide? | Let him decide
Let him make the decision as to what will happen. Let him pick what is for dinner. The route to the store, the discipline for children for this or that situation. Let him decide some things every now and then as it will allow him to feel like he is a part of a team. It will not hurt and he will be more engaged so let him decide.
Question 4: Are you reminding him to listen? | Remind him to listen
This one can be hard because the way you approach this will determine the outcome. Most men need to be reminded that we want them to listen and not try to fix anything but just to listen. Some men need the reminder often. Men want to be the hero, the provider, the man. They want us to feel better when we just need them to listen. Create a system in your home where it may be 5 minutes in the evening or 10 minutes in the morning when you are able to just remind him that you need him to listen ONLY.
This is a really powerful tool when you use it correctly. When you go to your husband by respecting what he has going on and what’s important to him, and remind him that his attention for a few minutes is important to you, the outcome can produce amazing results in your marriage long-term.
A Strong Team
These things are what can create a strong team. There is no strong team without communication. This is the system that has changed my marriage around. You can be more than just roommates and people who pay bills together. You can have a fun marriage and enjoy your spouse while working together as best friends. These four things have made a huge impact in my marriage and I know it can do the same for you.
If you would like to take a much deeper dive into all things family and marriage tools such as our family creed, goals, the beacon of why we do what we do, and all the systems we use in our marriage, you should jump in The Systemize Your Life Academy. The fourth tier is all things marriage. My husband and I recorded all the videos together. It is something you and your husband can watch together. Super straightforward. It’s not heavy, not really tedious. It’s a super fun thing.
You are not alone. Do you want accountability? Join my Facebook group where you can connect with other women who are where you were, where you are, or where you will be and want to grow together with you.
I hope these questions helped you to focus on how YOU can use your power to change your marriage.
I am looking forward to connecting with you!
Frequently Asked Questions
Where should I fit in this extra system?
Unfortunately I can’t give you an exact answer on that one! But fortunately, I do have a free time blocking workbook to help you figure out not only where to squeeze in the extra marriage session but how to organize the rest of your schedule efficiently as well(if you need it)! This should enable you to be able to consistently show up towards making your marriage work week after week, and day after day. And as always, don’t forget my free Facebook community group if you need more guidance. Stay strong mama, we’re all rooting for you!