Welcome to the Back To Basics Series! Day one is all about why you’re not loving motherhood and what to do about it!
This is a 4-day series aimed at giving you, the work-from-home mom who is trying to grow her dreams and serve her home and family well, the tools she needs to juggle it all! We are dialing it back, breaking it down, and getting back to basics in motherhood, business, home, and marriage over 4 days, and 4 episodes.
Today is the first of four where we break down the top 5 reasons I believe most moms are struggling to love motherhood. Plus, I give you specific action items you can do THIS week to see major improvement and get you back to the basics of motherhood.
If you want to do your very best work in every area of your life then grab your pen and paper ladies because I am about to dive into the Back To Basics series!!
Listen below for the entire episode on The Systemize Your Life Podcast
Motherhood Looks Different For Everyone
The very first in this whole series is this whole concept of why you’re not loving motherhood, because I hear it all the time, and I feel it sometimes too. I’m right there with you in the struggles and how hard it is to truly just drop everything in our lives just to be mom, 24/7. And possibly is a reason why you’re not loving motherhood right now.
We all come to this very space in our motherhood journey with kids of different ages, businesses in different places, and dreams at different spots. We’ve just started dreaming or we’ve been dreaming for a long time. Our marriages are brand new or our marriages have been there for years or we’re not yet married.
No matter where you’re at or what you’re doing, I want you to truly utilize this series because it is derived from a place this is in my heart. I try to focus on every aspect of my life and these four pillars of my life that are the true foundation of who I am. This is what we want to do, our very best work in motherhood, in business, in the home, and in our marriages.
5 Reasons Why We Are Not Loving Motherhood
This is not to say, why do we not love our kids? Because we love our kids, but why you’re not loving motherhood 24/7? What is it that makes us frustrated? What is it that makes it hard for us to be like, yeah, motherhood is awesome?
There’s nothing worse than seeing all of these memes and t-shirts about how crummy motherhood is. It’s not, motherhood is not crummy, and motherhood is amazing, but I truly believe there are five things getting in the way of you being able to see the blessing of motherhood.
One: Limited Time
So the first reason why you’re not loving motherhood is feeling like you don’t have enough time and feeling like motherhood takes up all of your time.
This is why one of the biggest things that I focus on inside of my Facebook group and is actually the first module inside of the Systemize Your Life Academy. It’s all about time and how you manage your time.
When someone comes into the Facebook group, I have a set of questions I ask because I want to know what your biggest struggles are so that I can pour into them. And one of the number one things that you guys talk about is that your biggest struggle is not having enough time. We’re going to address this more when we get to the homework section.
Two: Feeling Alone
The second thing that keeps moms from not loving motherhood and that I can get wrapped up into. Not having enough resources or support or help. Feeling like you have to do it all right?
Being alone on an island is the most defeating feeling, especially when you’re trying to keep children alive at the same time. My kids are a little bit older, they’re nine and almost four, and they can get by pretty well on their own, especially for those of you that have much older kids. Sometimes it’s more about making sure that our kids are happy and whole, and that we’re shepherding them well.
We feel like we don’t have enough resources because we are working like crazy. Or maybe you don’t have a job but have a lot of other things you’re trying to juggle and you just don’t have the help.
I know that even just trying to get food on the table day after day when my kids are extra demanding and I had a couple of appointments, that alone is so unbelievably demanding. Especially when I don’t have help, when Blaine is gone and I’m a single mom for those days that he’s on shift, that’s hard.
And I was a single mom for quite some time. I was the only income earner, I leaned on the support. I intentionally moved into a neighborhood that was very near to two of my closest friends on purpose. And it was pretty close to my mom because I knew I was going to need help. And yes, that season has passed, but I still need help with things.
What Do YOU Need?
I want you to really think about this as we go through each of these numbers. I want you to think about what it is that you want. What is it that you need? What kind of resources and support?
This could be something super simple for me. One of the resources that I needed for a long time was just a better-organized pantry or refrigerator. So it doesn’t have to be, I need to pay someone for daycare for my kids. And that’s the only way that you can be successful. No, it could be something very simple. And you can look for these in all the little pockets of your day, no matter where you’re at.
What kind of support do you need in a kitchen? One of the things that I really need right now, is better knives, just struggling for years with dull knives is frustrating when you don’t have the things that you need to get the job done. Well, that could be the resources that you need.
Maybe it is a person or a service that you need. Maybe that might be a dream or a want, but it’s not actually something that you need. And I want you to sit down and I want you to look at that.
Three: Kids And Stress
Number three is feeling like your kids are the reason for the stress. We’re really going to talk about this for a quick minute because one of the reasons why I wanted to do this back-to-basic series is because motherhood is first and foremost.
I think a lot of moms get caught up in a lot of things and then they end up getting frustrated with their children. And our children are not the reason why we don’t love motherhood.
I know that this may be hard to think about, but I really want you to think about how bitter you are toward your kids. How much resentment do you have towards them at any moment throughout the day when you had something planned? Say your work block and they came in and they “ruined it.” How much anger and frustration do you have towards your kids throughout the day? What is your temperament? Are you short-tempered most of the time?
These are all feelings that are a byproduct of what’s truly in your heart. The seed of all of those feelings is this idea that you’ve planted inside of yourself, that your kids are the reason that you’re not loving motherhood.
“These are all feelings that are a byproduct of what’s truly in your heart. The seed of all of those feelings is this idea that you’ve planted inside of yourself, that your kids are the reason that you’re not loving motherhood.”
And I’ll open up, I’ll be the first to do it. I’ve had to do a lot of work in myself with Bailey May, and this is work that I want you to do in yourself too. And it’s work that every single child deserves. And maybe you can relate to this depending on which child you are in your family too. But Frankie has been emotionally the most stable human I’ve ever met in my life for nine years straight. And Bailey May, when I was pregnant with her, I knew that she was going to be this child that was just full of life and she really has been.
And she has required me to be an insanely patient mom. So when I sit down and I think about the journey that I’ve been through to get to the place where I’m at with Bailey, it’s been a lot. Even supporting Blaine and his journey with Bailey looks very different from the journey that we’ve taken with Frankie.
But, you’ll feel this towards specific children in your family and in your siblings with how you line up with them. And it is just in our selfish nature to think that it is easier or harder to interact with certain kids based on personality, based on disability, based on need, based on whatever that is. But what our children truly need from us is for us to learn that they are not the problem, that they are not the reason why we’re stressed and we have bitterness and we have resentment and we have anger.
And all of those things that I felt towards Bailey Mae for a little bit while I was getting to know her. There are specific things that I’ve had to ask forgiveness for because it was wrong of me to feel that way. And what I did to get through it was to change what I was keeping in my own heart.
So, one of the biggest reasons why I wasn’t loving motherhood for a while was because of the things that I was thinking about and how much she challenged me. And, I’m not in a season where I have teenagers yet, but I know that that’s going to challenge me deeply. And so it’s so important that you sit down and you look, is this part of you? Is this something that you need to focus on? What is the reason why you’re not loving motherhood?
Four: Taking On Too Much
This is another big reason why I think so many moms struggled to love the season of motherhood that they’re in. And it’s because they have too much on their plate. Just going to put that right there. I really genuinely think that a lot of you will probably resonate with this.
You’re trying to either keep up with bills or cleaning or with a bazillion school activities. You have multiple children and you’re still trying to do all the things at a capacity that other people are doing that you really shouldn’t be doing. And that’s the problem.
Maybe how your kid gets to do things is going to look different than your neighbors and then their peers. And that’s hard. But you’re their mom and you’re their mom for a reason. You need to be the one that sits down and figures out what are you capable of showing up to.
I see it all the time, now that Frankie’s in sports, these moms are just running themselves ragged, trying to get multiple children that are very close in age to multiple activities. Forgetting things in one kid’s backpack that is supposed to be in another. And then on top of that, there’s all the other things, the business that you’re trying to run and all the other places that you’re trying to show up.
And maybe it’s not even so much that. Maybe it’s just that you volunteer for way too many things. You’re the mom that’s like, I don’t have a job so I can be here and I can be there and I can be everywhere. And then your kids take the brunt of it. Then you get frustrated cuz you can’t show up in your business or on social media or send out your emails. You can’t keep your house clean or get the food on the table that you really want or your house is just super unorganized and it’s bursting at the seams.
I’ve had many conversations with moms that say, I’m just a glutton for punishment. Why do I keep saying that I can do all this stuff when I really can’t? And we are going to go through that.
How to Get Back to the Basics in Motherhood & Life
I want to be able to help you to get back to basics in all of these areas. I want you to look through all five of these and I want you to rate yourself and put them in order. So the thing that you’re worst at is going to be your number one, cuz that’s going to be the first place that I have you start, right? And number five is the one that you feel like you do better than the others and just kind of rearrange them according to which ones you feel like you do better.
Once you have that number, I’m going to quickly break down every single one of these, a specific action item that I want you to take this week.
Action Step One: Time Block
So let’s start from the top. If you feel like you do not have enough time, and this is why you are really struggling to love motherhood because you just feel like you’re strapped for time. Here’s your action item. I want you to time block. Did you know that was coming or what?
I want you to figure out how you can make time this week for each of your responsibilities. So I want to see a block of time specifically for your children, for your business, for cleaning your home, for spending time with your spouse, for your to-dos, for prioritizing you, right?
I want to see a specific block of time that is going to be your action item in your homework if you gave yourself a number one when it comes to not feeling like you have enough time.
Action Step Two: More Support
Number two, if you feel like you don’t have enough support or resources or help. That’s making you super frustrated and not really loving motherhood, I want you to ask yourself, what do you need to ask for help with? What is it that you could outsource? What is it that you could have someone else do for you?
The other thing that I want you to think about, is are you trying to control everything. Is that why you don’t feel like you have enough help? Because it’s a real thing! What do you need to let go of?
Okay, so your action item is this week, I want you to name one thing that you’re going to ask help with and you’re going to let someone else help you with it or you’re going to use a different resource. May it be a person or a service, whatever it is.
Action Step Three: Kiddo Time
The third action item. If you are the one that is sitting there feeling the dagger of my kids are the reason for all my stress. This is going to require some of the hardest work out of any of the five that I’ve talked about today. Because being able to get back to basics in motherhood all comes down to you giving your kids the time that they need.
One really, really simple action item that you can do for this is I want you to pick one activity that you can do with your kids for 15 minutes a day. That’s it. Set a timer for 15 minutes.
If you’re not already doing that, this is going to change your life. Truly it will. But if you have been the mom that has never just put her phone away and done something with her kids for 15 minutes, it’s going to feel like an eternity for you. You’re going to be proud of yourself when you finish it.
Action Step Four: Lighten The Load
If you feel like you have too much on your plate, I want to know what you’re taking off your plate. What are you absolutely just not committing to do anymore this week?
Tell me one thing that you’re going to cancel, that you thought you were going to do, that you feel like you’re supposed to do, but that you’re just not going to do this week.
Action Step Five: Give Yourself Routine
And the fifth one, if you really feel like you’re struggling to take care of yourself before everyone else, then this is your action item. I am going to ask you to give yourself a solid morning and nighttime routine. It’s not as bad as you think.
I want you to stop hustling from the moment your feet hit the floor until you’re literally falling asleep at night. To give yourself time this week. I want you to do this now, and put it into action.
I also want you to write down the time that you want to wake up, and I want that time to be anywhere between 15 and 30 minutes before your kids normally wake up in the morning. Count eight hours back because I will absolutely make sure that you sleep eight hours a night. Seven is a minimum. And I only let that slide for moms that have a job in all the things, plus they got a farm.
So say if you’re in bed from 9:00 to 5:00, that’s eight hours. That would also mean from at least 8:45 to 9:00 would be your nighttime routine. And then whatever time your kiddos get up in the morning, if they get up at six, then you got an hour for your morning routine.
So that is what I want you to do. Craft out just a short little teeny, tiny morning and nighttime routine before you go to bed and when you wake up in the morning. And that is going to be your action item.
What Is Next
There’s going to be homework for every single one of these series posts. I want you to come over inside the free Systemize Your Life Facebook group and post your homework. You can start a new thread. You can couple up with another person’s comment if you just want to sneak it in there. This is how you’re going to actually make your time useful. There’s nothing more precious than your time and so I want to make sure you actually walk away and implement these steps in your life.
If you need more, you can head over and get inside The Systemize Your Life Academy where we go really deep on this entire topic. I lay it out, in tier one, how to systemize your productivity. We hit everything in mindset for motherhood. We hit everything for time blocking, really how you can take care of yourself. Everything that you could possibly want to know and how I make it happen.
Head to day two of The Back To Basics Series here.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is there an option to listen to this series on the go?
Yes, we have the Systemize Your Life Podcast with Chelsi Jo so that busy moms like you can listen on the go.