I get messages and questions regularly on how I talk to my husband about systems. How do I get him to help? How can I be loving my husband without nagging him? Are you dreaming of the day you can get your husband to do your calendar together, meal plan together, or even clean together? One of my deepest passions behind chelsijo.co and the Systemize Your Life Academy is strengthening marriages through systems. I know that can sound incredibly ridiculous, but I also know what it’s done for me and my husband. Our marriage and our home are better because of systems. We spend less time arguing about the small stuff, and the things we used to spend hours talking and debating about. We have saved exponentially more money, and we also have way more time. With all that time, we get to have way more fun!
I’m going to share my tips with you on how to become a team even if it feels like you’re in the middle of a raging storm. I’m going to share with you how to use systems to get even closer with your husband. Regardless of where you are in your journey together or where you are in implementing systems in your home, these tips will give you “aha” moments to be able to keep loving your husband through it all!
Listen below for the entire episode on The Systemize Your Life Podcast
Get Started With Systems
One of the things a lot of people don’t know about my home management system is that it covers all the bases of managing your life at home. That includes all your relationships: your relationships with your kids and your relationship with your husband. One of the key components to being successful in your home is knowing how to communicate and get others on board. Leaders have to know where they’re going and what they’re doing in order to bring others along with them. That’s no different from what you and I are trying to do in our homes.
The number one thing we think of when it comes to organizing and saving time is just what we can do on our own to work harder or hustle more. I have an amazing workshop that shows how to bring your family into this process- instead of doing it all on our own. You can get access to this workshop here. If you really want to see how I get my family on board and how I get my systems routinely into our lives- not to mention how to lead the rest of your family as supporters of these systems.
Loving Your Husband Through the Chaos
Let’s talk about loving your husband through the chaos, my tips to become a team, and how to use systems to grow closer as a couple. I will be honest, loving your husband through the chaos that I have mastered is the not giving up part. Raising kids, having a job, staying healthy, and learning to live a meaningful life is hard work! I am exhausted most days. Sadly, our spouses often take the brunt of everything we do or don’t do. We feel that in our home as much as you feel it in your home.
My husband is not exactly like me. He doesn’t necessarily think like me or want to do the meal planning like me. I may not get it right all the time, but I have grown skilled at getting help around the house. Making it fun, making it simple, and making systems the cornerstone of it all is what I’m about! I love that part of life, and that’s what I want to bring to you!
Your Own Family Dynamic
Today, I’m talking about the parts of my marriage that I love and how my husband and I have become a better team. I know that you can too with loving your husband. Even when it’s hard and in those chaotic times, becoming closer as a couple is possible! If your husband is working 24/7 and has no time to help you, it’s going to be OK. Every family has their own dynamic. Those dynamics change over the years as well.
We are going to talk about this and break it down into three major parts. The systems that I’ve used to grow closer to my husband will inspire and motivate you to figure out what systems you want to use and grow in loving your husband. We are also going to look at some things to try and avoid or things to be on the lookout for when you’re trying to create a team environment. Lastly, we’ll look at the three massive ways you can love your husband even in the chaos.
Systems You Can Use to Grow Closer in Your Marriage
We have what we call “The Great Eight” fundamental needs. Whatever you want to call it and wherever you’re at, you need to know what your fundamental needs are. You will get to know my fundamental needs in my workshop. The workshop is such a jam-packed 30 minutes on my fundamental needs and systems. It will answer so many of your questions on how you can get it in your life.
The fundamental needs were something that my husband and I created together. We created it out of necessity for us to have consistency in being on the same page. That has been a game-changer.
That is actually one of our fundamental needs. We have changed how we’ve systematically done this. It went from once a month to four times a month. Three of those four are simple and at-home dates. One Friday night a month we leave the house and get a sitter. That has been so helpful!
When I say it’s brought us closer I mean the amount of understanding that my husband now has as to why it costs as much money as it does to feed the family. The way he sees me nurture our kids when we’re in the grocery store, his effort to support me in something he does not like doing, and so much more have brought us closer. But it has also taken a lot of work and a lot of time. It is incredibly helpful for us to work on food and meal prep together, and it is a massive undertaking to feed a family! It is a massive amount of work. That has what has brought us closer in our meal planning system.
It was big getting my husband to open up and say, “I’ll take toilets, but I won’t do the grocery store.” Those are the little things we use to understand each other. There are some things he would rather do, that I will let him go for!
The calendar has actually given my husband a lot of autonomy. He feels more in control and has been able to do things on his own for the family. Because my husband works at the fire station, he can be gone for two, three, or sometimes for days at a time. With a shared calendar, he is able to still feel connected to our family.
I could talk a lot about our budget. This has brought us so much closer together and allowed us to reduce a lot of the conflict we were having before. We have a couple of differences, but since we’ve implemented this budget system, we have budgeting meetings weekly, and we love it!
Those are how some of the specific systems we’ve used to bring us closer together!
Potential Things to Look Out For
Here are some of the things to look out for when trying to create a team environment:
If you’re trying to create a team environment with your husband, make sure you are modeling really great turn-taking. My husband and I both have to work really hard on this because we both struggle with it. Maybe this isn’t an issue for you. My only advice is as you’re reading this, try to think of the things that you struggle with, not the things your husband struggles with.
Ask Your Husband What He Thinks- And Wait
Get his input, let him have ideas, and actually do them! What I want you to avoid is the mindset that assumes he doesn’t understand or won’t be helpful. My husband has incredible ideas, and so does yours. But your husband may not have the confidence to communicate that depending on how you have or have not encouraged him over the years. Really make sure you ask him what he thinks, and just wait. If he says nothing or doesn’t have input, be OK with that. Just be sure that you are asking for his input, and getting his ideas on things. Maybe start with areas you know he’s confident in, and slowly but surely you’ll build up the ability and skillset to take that outside of areas he’s already open in.
Dancing Around Your Needs and Wants- While Expecting Him to Understand You
It’s the silliest thing to not be direct. You have to be clear, you have to be direct, and you have to ask for what you want, and not be apologetic about it. You cannot be meek and mild. I am not meek and mild when it comes to what I want and need. My daughter is very much like this as well! I am always able to ask for what I need and want. I know that I need help. You do too. Just saying “will you help me fold the laundry tonight?” is all it takes! I will say there have been many times when I’m the only one up on my feet working while everyone else is relaxing. I have no problem asking them for help. It’s OK to not be afraid when you ask.
One of my deepest passions behind chelsijo.co and the Systemize Your Life Academy is strengthening marriages through systems. I know what systems have done for me and my husband. Our marriage and our home are better because of systems.
Three Ways to Keep Loving Your Husband in the Chaos
This doesn’t just include giving forgiveness. It also includes asking for forgiveness. I learned an incredible way of apologizing and asking for forgiveness. It is to say the thing that you did, that you should not have done without excuse. Then immediately say, will you forgive me? Say nothing else. It challenges me every time to do this, and keep it that simple. Doing it in front of your kids is incredible. Also, give forgiveness freely, often, every day, in all the moments, even when you think they don’t deserve it.
I know this is super cheesy! But honestly, if you’re looking for ways to love your husband- even today focusing on the good is where to start. Even when it’s really challenging that is the best time to practice gratitude. Where does your gratitude not flow freely? Is it in the car, when you’re working on projects, trying to get the kids out of the house? Those are the moments it’s even more important to practice gratitude.
Truly, just try to be kind. Think of the kindness you had when you were first dating. Put yourself in his shoes, and notice all the things he has going on. Just like you want him to notice all the things you have going on. You may feel like his things are in his control to stop dealing with, but maybe realize he sees you the same way. Your husband has his role too, and we don’t always see his perspective. Say nice things! Even something like, “you smell good.” It may be hard! Maybe you don’t feel like saying that. Think about the things that maybe you don’t say very often, but could. Try to be attentive and kind.
If you take a few pieces of what I’ve given you, I promise you are going to see more connection and more love, and there will be fruit that shows up in your marriage! I know you’ll be able to keep loving your husband even in the chaos of life!
Frequently Asked Questions
What are Fundamental Needs and how can I make those a part of my schedule?
Your priorities should be at the forefront when you are planning your week. Communicating your priorities with your husband is possible with your Fundamental Needs. To learn what your Fundamental Needs are, download my FREE workbook. This workbook will help you learn what your needs are to thrive every week, how to schedule your needs before everything else in your week, and how to routinely show up for those needs!