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Marriage

Four Quick Systems To Help Spend More Time With Your Husband Daily

Budgeting system for married couples

March 15, 2023

I love when I get to sit down and chat about all things systems related to my marriage so that you can spend more time with your husband every day. It truly is one of the things I am most passionate about. One of the reasons I even started creating systems in the first place for my family and in my home was so that we could uplevel our marriage. So that we could take all of the time that we were spending, wasting on all of the little tasks that didn’t need to be done. All of the communication, all of the arguments, and all of the conflict. 

I’m bringing you my 4 quick, simple, really straightforward systems that you can use to carve out more time and meaningful time, even in the cracks of your day, to start really truly connecting with your husband in ways that aren’t as formal as a date night, even though we love that. Sometimes these little, teeny tiny systems can bring such a huge impact. So let’s get started!

Listen below for the entire episode on The Systemize Your Life Podcast

Systemize Your Marriage

We did not start out with systems at all. We did not start out with great communication, which I feel like every marriage is always working on. But truly, I’ve always had this strong desire for a really high-functioning, united marriage. That’s always been my goal. Even before I was married, I would look at other marriages and what I longed for, and what I was constantly dissecting with other people. What I was drawn to was when I saw couples that were really in sync with each other. So that is something that I’ve worked really hard to be able to have. And a lot of that comes now through this weird and unique ability that I have to systemize things. And I cannot wait for you to  spend more time with your husband every day.

Blaine in and of himself really is a high achiever but it’s not in the same way as me always. There are a lot of things that we do like to achieve that are very similar, but then there are other things that we’re totally different in. And so these systems have allowed us to come together and to connect. 

It has and will also for you, help you get rid of all of the things that you don’t need to be talking about. You don’t need to have conflict over and have that resolution straight away and keep it that way on a daily and weekly basis. So without really going too much deeper into the why and the win and the how. I think you fully understand what I’m talking about when I talk about miscommunications, wasted time, or conflict. We all understand what that feels like.

The Four Systems To Connecting More With Your Husband

Let’s talk about these four quick systems. Now it does take time for you to get to a place where you feel really good about these, and honestly, you may already be half-checked out of this because you’re like, oh, my husband’s never going to do this. Blaine didn’t jump into these systems right away either. It has been a process for both of us to understand how we’re going to include systems into our marriage. 

It’s going to have to be that way for you as well to spend more time with your husband every day. It’s not just something that you can snap your fingers, and then boom, magically it’s done. It doesn’t work like that. You guys have to work together extremely diligently, and it takes time and it takes a lot of patience. It takes a lot of grace and a lot of forgiveness on both people’s parts. 

Decide On What You Really Want

It depends on what you really want. How patient you are and how much you want to work at this? What do you really want to give? For me, I am adamant that we put our energy and our efforts into systems because I know that they pan out on the other end. They are going to give us what we both truly want. That is the means to getting there, end of story every single day. 

“For me, I am adamant that we put our energy and our efforts into systems because I know that they pan out on the other end. They are going to give us what we both truly want.”

All four of these things that I’m about to talk about are repetitive, they are cyclic, from day to and week to week. These things are happening chronically, and that is how, you know, need a system for it. These will really help you spend more time with your husband every day

So let’s start with number one. We’re going to talk about the typical problem and where you’re actually wasting energy on just ridiculous meaningless tasks. 

Number One: Meal Planning System

How much time are you spending every single day of your life trying to figure out what’s for dinner? No, we just had that, the kids won’t eat it. No, I’m not really in the mood for it. Well, why don’t you just go pick something up? 

We’ll go to the grocery store when we’re missing an onion or we don’t have pepperoni for the pizza that we wanted to make. Whatever it is, you guys are literally spending at least 15 minutes a day, if not 30 minutes to an hour going through this. I know that this sounds ridiculous, but is it really that much time? And here’s what I’m going to propose to you. 

Imagine if you and your husband were texting about something different. Imagine if you guys were flirting back and forth in text messages instead of talking about what’s for dinner. What a better way to spend your text messaging time, or even just your conversating in general, right? I’m talking about the minutia here. And that is where your life is lived. Your life is lived in the mundane, the love that you grow, the love that you breed. It is lived in the mundane in your marriage.

How To Make This Happen

So how about we skip the daily text messaging of what’s for dinner? Instead, we put this one system in place. I bet you already know what I’m about to say.

There are so many benefits to this system. It is completely free. It is on the blog, it is everywhere. We’ve got podcast episodes on it. There is no reason that you should not do this. This is so simple. It is our menu board meal planning system. 

I’ve been using this since I realized I was spending hours every weekend on Pinterest trying to figure out what’s for dinner, and it never really panned out. It led to extremely large grocery bills and a lot of time in the kitchen. 

So now we have a menu board meal planning system that consists of seven days, Monday through Sunday labels, and index cards. They’re super affordable. You can get fancy ones, you can just use a whiteboard if you really want. But some of the fun parts of this really are having the index card that says what you’re having on the front. Then on the back, it says what the ingredients are, keeping it super simple.

Number Two: Shared Google Calendar

So number two is scheduling issues, conflict with who’s going where and who needs to be someplace when, and how. And who wears the car seat, wears the backpack.

Oh, shoot, they have to be picked up. Wait, it’s early release day or extracurriculars. Oh, you didn’t know that it was the concert or the meet, or it’s the finals. Oh shoot, you have to take off work. And then all of the sudden you’re mad at him because he doesn’t prioritize the kids and he is not plugged into the family. 

It’s so unbelievably preventable. It blows my mind, this should not even be a thing. We’re not even talking about it anymore. And what is the system to resolve all of that? It’s a shared Google calendar. 

This is not my idea. I mean, I pushed this, but this is not my invention. This is just a shared Google Calendar. I’ve been hearing a lot of people say, well, my husband doesn’t use Google Calendar. He still has a flip phone or He won’t look at it. 

Realizing The Problem

It actually wasn’t Blaine’s or my style either. But we realized we had a problem. We realized this would be a solution, and we figured it out and we did it very slowly. And now we don’t even know how we would function without it. Our shared Google Calendar is literally our ride-or-die. 

So anytime that he has something going on in his life, it’s put in the calendar and I can see it, anytime I or the kids have something going it’s on the calendar. It’s honestly a practice even still. We’ve got a pretty good handle on it now, but for a while, we were even having to communicate, how and what to put in. 

A few things we had to think about were, does this appointment mean that we’re supposed to be there at that time or we’re supposed to leave at that time? Do we have to be there early? So we’ve gotten really good at making this so dialed in and efficient.

The amount of conflict that we have reduced in our marriage by having shared Google calendars is astounding. The autonomy that both of us have is probably the biggest and most liberating feeling because neither of us feels like we have to micromanage.

Number Three: Fundamental Needs

I’ve talked about this so many times, and here’s the conflict. Here’s the time that you’re wasting every single week. This is a little bit more when we sit down and look at how you are actually giving and showing up to your spouse and the way that you can connect to them through that. Through what you both actually need through the week and even getting a little resentful over time when needs are not being addressed.

So what I want you to really start thinking about is how to meet each other’s fundamental needs. And obviously, you’ve heard me talk about fundamental needs a bazillion times. And the system that Blaine and I came up with to make sure that we were meeting each other’s needs and really able to be there for each other in those small moments. 

Something as small as him wanting to go to the gym and me not being frustrated about it. Because at the beginning of our marriage, I would get super frustrated as soon as he would tell me he was heading to the gym. Because I felt like it was always at the worst times. You’re literally leaving and I’m putting out fires around here. There’s no worse time in our day and in our week for you to be going to the gym. And there was conflict around that all the time. 

The Grade Eight

So with that, there was this constant conversation about, well, when we were both going to get our needs met? And so that is literally why we created the grade eight. It is the system that you can put into place, you can go to the website to download the fundamental needs workbook at Chelsijo.co. You can go through this entire assessment and you can see what my grade eight is. You can come up with your own fundamental needs, but I highly encourage you to do this with your spouse. That is how we came up with ours. 

This comes from months of me analyzing data in our home. Most of the time it was very emotional and if I’m being honest, it was frustrating. Why some weeks we could totally be there for each other and other weeks we were totally failing and it’s because we hadn’t systemized it. 

So once we made this a system, it’s very easy for us to speak to this. It’s very easy for me to understand what he needs every week and for me to prioritize it and vice versa. 

Number Four: No Phone Zone

All right, number four, this one’s really fun. We haven’t talked about it very much at all and this truly is incredibly quick, simple, and easy to set up something that you can start doing today on your own accord. And you guys can both work on this together and you can work on it even as a family. 

But here’s one of the times that I have seen in my own marriage and I’ve observed in other families where you really are missing the opportunity for connection multiple times a day. It could be anywhere from 15 minutes to two hours in a day that you could spend connecting with your spouse instead of being on your phone. 

So what Blaine and I have done, and it’s not perfect by any means, but if you sit down and you look at certain points of your day when you are on your phone when you could be connecting with your spouse. It really will open your eyes to how much time over the years you have wasted on your phone instead of connecting with your spouse. And that might even just mean being together, doing nothing in silence. 

Getting Started

Here’s where I would start. If this is really hard for you, even when you’re watching tv, you’re probably both on your phones. Just start with getting rid of your phones when you’re watching TV each together. Here’s where I’m really going to encourage you guys to get away from your phones. So the system is the no phone zone, and you establish a cell phone basket where your phones go or where they get plugged in. They are there for the specific times in your day that you have established as no phone zones. 

What we’ve established and what we try to do, honestly, it’s for most of the day for us. We’re really pushing to just not be on our phones when we are around each other. There’s no point in it. And if it’s for work, I should be working during my work block. And really that’s it. 

So we have to work really hard with our boundaries because our phones are always with us. And when you think about what it was like whenever you grew up, your phones were not always with you. They were tied to a wall where they stayed and when you went to the phone, you went to the phone and when you were done with it, you were done with it. It wasn’t just available for during all parts of the day. 

When To Get Rid Of Your Phones

Here are the three main places where you can really start creating a lot of momentum. This is where there is a lot of really usable and useful connection time with your spouse if you just get rid of your phone in these three spaces.

1. Morning Routine

The first one is in your morning routine. As soon as you get up, you should not go to your phone. Don’t even have it near you. Plug it in somewhere else. 

2. Night Time Routine

The second one is in your nighttime routine. Don’t even have it around. So as soon as the kids go to bed, you should be done with your phone. We were just talking about this in a group call inside of the Systemized Life Academy about how I start breaking up with it around three every day. And it’s hard. Sometimes that stretches a little bit longer but there’s really no need for me to have it after that point. My family’s here, why do I need to be on my phone? These are the most important people. I start and try and have a hard boundary with that around three or four o’clock each day. The last spot in your day is not necessarily a time block, but it is a very distinct space in your home.

3. The Car

Challenge yourself to not have your phone in the car when you’re a passenger, you’re going to start having really fun conversations or just connecting through music, connecting through your kids and what they’re saying. I cannot tell you how fun it is.  We’re constantly communicating to each other. 

This boundary and respect of my eyes are going to be in my phone instead of my eyes are going to be on you. And it allows us to connect a little bit more. Blaine’s really great about it. Some days he’s better at it than others, and some days I’m better at it than others, but it’s not always easy and sometimes it’s kind of obnoxious and annoying. I am much more of the connector in our marriage than he is. I have a deep need to connect often. And over time, we’ve learned that this is our language with each other. 

My Challenge To You!

So I just challenge you. I just ask you to take whatever speaks to you most here and try it. Try implementing one of these four systems or make it a goal for you to implement them, maybe once a month. 

Let’s do this together, I would love for you to come and join me inside our FREE Systemize Your Life Facebook Group. And remember that if you need more personalized assistance you can always come join us over at The Systemize Your Life Academy. 

Four quick systems to help spend more time with your husband daily chelsi jo

Frequently Asked Questions

Do you have any Free downloads so I can get a little taste of what it's like inside The Systemize Your Life Academy?

If you head over to Chelsijo.co, there is a section in the top header that says FREE. Head there and take a look, we have workshops, workbooks, and an essential oils guide. Another good place for you to go would be to check out our FREE Systemiz Your Life Facebook Group.

Four quick systems to help spend more time with your husband daily chelsi jo
Four quick systems to help spend more time with your husband daily chelsi jo

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